What I Think About When I Think About Running

Okay, just start slow, let the beats of Madonna wash over you, whatever you do don't think about the fact you are going to be running for another hour and right now you are only 30 seconds in...one tune down, six to go till you've done 5k, but don't look at your nikeplus, promise you won't look now...oh here we go, someone's joining me on the nearest treadmill, a guy, who doesn't smell for a change, thank god, o-ho, he's going for it, must be about 6 minute mile he's going there, see how long he keeps that up for...2nd tune down...

...I should really take back that t-shirt dress to H&M as I like the idea of it more than I like it actually on...woo-hoo, every few minutes it actually seems like I'm going as fast as that speedy gonzalez next me to here cos we run in sync for like three steps...was that the 3rd or 4th tune that just finished...if i was a man, and gay, and lived in LA, in the sixties, I bet I could cure Colin Firth's broken heart...mmm Colin...knew it, Speedy was in it for the short haul and has abandoned me to my plodding, oh well peace again...don't like this tune, skip it...

...well my hip seems to be holding up, let's crank up the speed to 5.2 on the treadmill, wonder what the 5.2 is, probably the richter scale considering the way my fat bum is jiggling along, be enough to cause an earthquake 2,000 miles away...check pace on nikeplus (careful not to press the button for distance, mustn't know the distance just yet, probably only done 3k or something), aye, pace just under 7km/min, that's pretty average for me....

...here comes another treadmill neighbour, hold on a minute is that guy really wearing denim shorts??? Careful not to stare or you'll fall off the treadmill and become one of those stories that people pass on 'did you hear about the girl who fell off a treadmill in front of the entire spin class?'...god he must be roasting in them...god, i'm really hot actually, feel like the air is as thick as custard, wish i hadn't worn this stupid hairband, keeps all the heat in and then it feels like my brain is cooking!....phew, a cold breeze just in the nick of time, just as well I went round and opened all the windows before I started....

...right 7th tune, that must be about 35 mins of running now as that's usually my 5k time, how do I feel? pretty damn good, reckon I could carry on like this for hours! steady on, let's see if you can do another seven tunes, then if you can limp through another two you should be able to beat your furthest distance yet...okay, so save the most inspiring tunes for when I really need to pull out the stops, Bruce, Madge, Kenny, bide your time my old pals, bide your time...

...loads of skater girls passing by outside, oh aye, must be that roller derby thing again in the gym, changing rooms were full of tattooed, hair-dyed girls skating aboot last week, looked like a cool bunch mind, and at least no as whiny as they netball girls the week before...

...uff...ouch, that was sore, wee knee gave way there...okay slow pace down for a minute, knew hadn't seen last of that gammy hip...just take it easy, in fact press pause on the treadmill and have a wee drink....aye, that's better, now be careful and press the right button to get started again, press the wrong one and it cancels out your settings on the treadmill and you have to start all over again....and for god's sake don't forget to start up the nikeplus cos if it doesn't record this run you may as well give up now and hit the nearest wine bar...mmm what I wouldn't give for an ice cold glass of Pinot right now...

...Okay, all good...might be time for first patron saint of my running playlist, Kenny Loggins come on down...."been working so hard, keep punching my card"..."everybody cut, everybody cut, everybody cut footloose", yes, I feel great, check pace, down to 6.37km/min, woohoo, never been that fast before!...everything's going great, maybe it would be okay to look at distance now? No, you promised yourself. You'll only be disappointed. Nah, it must be about 7k by now surely. Surely you can't be serious, I am serious and don't call me Shirley, hahaha never gets old...

...time for Hung Up again methinks! Watch out for that bit when it fades out and you think the song has finished cos it just fades up again and there's still another two minutes of the song to go...god my legs feel like lead, okay what was thing you read in Runner's World, that tip that said imagine you are walking on clouds and if you step too heavy your feet will go through the cloud...yeah that's it, feel a bit better, more upright, god if only I wasn't so ruddy hot though....

...right that's it, I can't take it anymore, I'm going to check the distance now!....no, now...this time...now....woohoo!!!!..8.5k....I think I can do this, I think I can get to 10k and a bit more, I'm tired and my pace is down at 7.20km/min but i'll save the final push for last km....here's another new neighbour, aye go for it, knock yourself out, pounding away next to me like the proverbial hare, yes I look knackered and my leaden feet are hardly lifting off the treadmill but I've been here for almost an hour you johnny-come-lately! Gaarrrr....

...you're almost there, time to go down fighting..."baby we were born to run, woah ho ho, woah ho ho ho ho hoaaaahhhh", I am going to die right here right now but at least I'll die happy, check the distance, 9.9k....oh c'mon do me a favour!...Right keep going just a little bit longer, 5 mins and you'll have beaten your longest ever run...but my legs are so tired...well use your arms then, keep them pumping along and they'll keep you going...

...I just want to sit down with a cup of tea and a giant double choc chip cookie and never move again...okay let's check the distance then, 10.1k, almost there, right that's you got another 0.2k to go and you'll have gone further than ever before, keep your mind occupied, work out how long do you need to run for if your pace is 7.20km/min and you have 0.2k to run...okay speed multiplied by time equals distance or is it distance divided by speed equals time, or time times time divides distance up to speed....what the hell am i going on about? Just check the ruddy nikeplus ya big numpty....here we go...10.3k, yippeee!!!!!!!!!!! Job done and I don't have the energy to go another step...slow down the speed of the treadmill....wipe your brow and grab the bottle of lucozade sport...mentally punching the air and shouting inside 'get it up yous'!!! I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...Right, when can I get back to the gym this week to do it all over again?....